2011

January 2, 2011

L said recently that he felt safer at work- like he wasn’t in as much trouble. Hmmm…it’s definitely against his company’s policy for a supervisor to orchestrate an affair with a subordinate, someone whose work he was responsible for reviewing….and I don’t mean her home work.

January 3, 2011

L called around 10AM from work. I was at the computer and simply asked him…Jorge, Miami location, right? At which point L flipped out and asked what I was planning to do. I said call Jorge of course. He is me… almost, though not with the 14 years of marriage under his belt plus three kids.

Yes, he’s the other betrayed party, the Sauce’s ex-fiance. And he could maybe tell me what happened. Is he upset? Does he want the saucy cheater/homewrecker back by any wild chance? (please!) I thought it would help me, just a little bit, process what had happened if I spoke with this man. Besides, L had told me Jorge knew, so I wouldn’t be the bearer of shocking news.

XL began to rant. Apparently, Jorge didn’t know the details and would freak out. (But I’m supposed to be calm and pleasant?) Jorge would likely call his supervisor, who would call L’s supervisor. Do I want L fired? Well, no, I don’t. The boys and I need his paycheck. Alas, I agreed to not call Jorge.

January 5, 2011

Today something major happened. L moved out of the Sauce’s apartment. This is how it went down. He called me, beyond distraught. I had to put every thought of the ugly homewrecker out of my mind. I had to forget about the affair. And I had to coach my husband, calmly and rationally, out of her lair. I literally stayed on the phone with him as he gathered his belongings, evenly repeating that he could do it and that he was doing the right thing. I couldn’t celebrate or even think beyond the sentence or direction I was uttering to him. From the little I could understand, she was out and didn’t know that he was (my word, I’ll admit) escaping. Seriously though, the situation felt to me like I was helping him escape from a cult or a kidnapper.

Once out, though, L was mentally unable to just drive home. God bless Jenny’s husband, Dan, who met my husband for dinner to talk him through the next steps. The boys and I went to eat with Pippa and family.

Later on…

L to me: I am done with dinner- not coming tonight- will talk tomorrow- evaluate other options. Please don’t call or text- I am OK. I’m sorry.

Thank God I didn’t tell the three their dad was coming home tonight.

January 7, Friday

It snowed last night and this morning. Surprisingly, the kids all went in. Then, at 8:55 AM, I got the call that they were coming home early. I wasn’t sure of the exact time the bus would drop off. In any case, L was off from work again.

I went down the highway with Maggie around 9:30. I bought a cute, ruffly, black sundress in Old Navy, which I think Maggie found amusing due to the current ground cover. We shopped around until our meetup time with Jenny for a salad pizza lunch.

Meanwhile L got Angel off the bus, fed him at home, and took him to Petsmart for what turned out to be, not one as planned, but three gerbils. I could write a lot more about that. Suffice it to say, we are rodent owners.

L took boys to see the new Narnia tonight. When he brought them home at 9ish, L was almost crying. For the second time today, he said he was broken. I can relate but can’t help him. He doesn’t want me.

January 8, 2011, Saturday

He came around 11. I pushed him back because I was still asleep at 9:30 and couldn’t handle him at 10. Then, I was texting him to hurry and open the new syrup for the boys. I’d tried for two days- broke the seal, ran it under hot water. L couldn’t do it either; he finally opened it with a monkey wrench!

At noon, he took the boys to the Bear’s basketball game.

Then, it was lunchtime.

Me: Do you want us all to go?

L: Will it confuse the boys if we all go together?

Me: No, but it’ll confuse me.

L: You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.

Me: OK, I won’t go.

L: Why don’t you want to?

Me: You don’t want me to.

L: You can go.

Me: Do you want me to go?

L: Yes

Me: Then I’ll go.

So we went, and after moving tables three times, settled by the fire.

L admitted that I’d recently ruined him with some of the stuff I said. I told him I really tried to focus the worst of my anger on the Sauce. He didn’t say what I said specifically that got to him. He admitted that if he had some money, he’d take a leave from work. He said he might get in his Infinity, which still contained the bins filled with his belongings, and just drive away. I told him to take the kids and me with him.

When we got home, he needed to leave before he started crying. I just needed to sleep.

Jan 9, 2011 Sunday

Woke up around 9AM with Big Cat on my feet, the gerbils on the wheel, and the boys playing Wii. Someone had closed my door, so I wouldn’t be woken by the boys’ loudest shrieks. OK, it was 9:25AM, and I needed to feed hungry boys. L wanted to take them to church. Hmmm, that’s what I do. Guess not this week. He can have it. Maybe something will click in his brain. I won’t even tell him the head pastor is on vacation.

L came home from church. He didn’t have any plans. Neither did the boys and I. Talk about awkward. Finally, I suggested Baja Fresh, and started to pre-feed the younger boys because they won’t eat there- or almost anywhere. L could barely stand to wait for them to finish. Close to tears, he was so upset that he almost left on his own. In my opinion, this is all about him. To me, it felt like August again, but this time I won’t make the mistakes of minimizing his feelings, not helping him, or driving him away. What can I do, though? He refuses to seek professional help. I gave him a bunch of meds, and told him I want to be there for him. I admitted that I didn’t know exactly what to say or do. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. He said he was trying to think if it would be a good idea for him to come home. I told him he knew what I thought about that. (yes) He finally admitted he’s staying in a hotel, but “that shouldn’t matter”. Is he clueless or what? Of course the little detail of where my husband was sleeping mattered to me…a lot. I hoped he wasn’t lying about that part. Every day, when he takes the kids out in the van, I trudge out to his car with my fingers crossed to see if those bins are still there. Thankfully, yes, his stuff isn’t back in Homewrecker’s apartment. His suits are hanging in one back window. His ties are in a pile on the floor in the backseat. His Bible’s on the front passenger seat. If I ever go outside and don’t see his crap strewn all over his car, I might start bawling.

To M- What makes me so strong? I think you believe I had things so good, and you didn’t throughout our life together. Maybe it’s just easier for me to be happy and satisfied. Could that be part of the truth? This whole thing has been about you since before August through today. Why would tomorrow be any different? I was the extremely injured party in this ordeal. I have heard kind words from family, friends, and neighbors, but all I got from you was, “Sorry for the pain I caused,” even as you were inflicting more. And through it all, and only with my friends constant support and company, I packed lunches, got the boys to school and activities, and was there for them in every way I needed to be to the best of my crippled ability. I food shopped, cooked, cleaned, and overcame my fear of driving on the highway. And through it all, from day one, I was willing to forgive you. Now, you are trying to decide if you would be happy returning to us. By all means, leave us waiting in the wonderful world of limbo while you take your time deciding.

January 10, 2011

It’s my first time driving the carpool since my wonderful neighbors, Stacey and Parker, learned about my “situation” (when I invited them to please trim our tree). Even though I didn’t remember it, they told me that night that they’d pick up my Monday and Thursday afternoons. After driving maybe two times and realizing they were already there, I thanked them again and gladly took the mental break. Because even remembering to drive the carpool was a burden. Now, today, I’m back!

Kat didn’t know I was jotting her words down later today when we spoke on the phone! But they were so nice that I thought they would make L feel a little better. She mentioned that she, herself, never judged him. People go through things in their lives. Nobody hates him. Kat has a social worker background and is quite insightful. Picking up her son later, she happened to see L and wanted to give him a hug but then thought he would find it odd. (Which he later confirmed was true.) She’s so sweet.

January 11, 2011

Today, L, a boy, and I had lunch at salad pizza. L mentioned that he needs someone objective to talk to. He’s ready to see a therapist. That’s a mini miracle in itself! Not that anything guarantees a happy ending for us together.

L came to the house at 5, and helped the Teep study for a big math test, which was huge of him. I gave him a bowl of rigatoni with meatballs. At 7:30, L took the Bear to Scouts. It was the night each boy got his “whittling chip” after carving a bar of soap. After, L dropped the Bear home and continued on to the hotel…..I guess.

January 12, 2011

Today, boys had a snow day for maybe 6 inches that fell last night. The older two actually did a great job shoveling. The Bear, using the shovel that weighs as much as he does, pushed the snow. Then the Fat Angel and I switched off with his brothers. The Angel started to play with Emma, Belle’s little girl. I helped Belle shovel her driveway since the boys did most of ours. The gentleman across the street did the end of both our driveways and the sides of mine better, too. Can’t say enough about my neighbors!

January 13, 2011

Learned something devastating- L has been talking to the Sauce. He’s in mental crisis. He’s trying to decide what to do with the rest of his life- his words. He’s been spending his days with me- doesn’t that tell me something?- his words. I told him I deserve his loyalty. I told him he can’t have a wife and a girlfriend. He said he has neither. I said it’s unacceptable to me for him even to have so much as lunch with her. He didn’t make me any promises.

January 14, 2011

Today, I’m feeling way down. Am I upset because I’m so tired? I stayed up, watching TV, until 1AM. I can’t deal with my life. Pippa is enthusiastic about driving out to Momma and Daddy’s in PA to get the loveseat they’re giving to me- while L stays back to get the Angel off the bus. Only Momma, Daddy, and I don’t think we can lift it without L’s help. He’s thinking about helping me. I texted him that my parents would never confront him.

In the end, he went with me. Pippa took over bus detail. L and I were just fine on the way out. We were probably in PA for 10 minutes total. I literally kissed Momma and Daddy, we loaded the loveseat and not another thing, and we left. L and I stopped for an Applebees lunch on the way home. He left the table twice- once to make a “work” call and again for a strangely long bathroom trip. It was, quite frankly, irritating. Pippa kept me company via text as I ate alone.

On the drive home, I freaked out. I gave L an ultimatum: me or sauce. I cursed the Sauce as I pulled out my phone and typed in her number, which was stored under “Homewrecker.” When I pressed call, however, L flipped out. He said I could not call it today- or for two weeks. I made him tell me why. Reluctantly, he told me her brother died today. Great, just great. What a nice guy L is to demand of his wife two weeks of grieving time for his mistress’ loss.

At 7PM, he met with his counselor.

I’m so upset that L is so upset and mixed up. I want the Sauce to ooze away, move on with her life and leave me mine.

January 15, 2011 Saturday

Today was the day of a town event that we attend every year as a family. It takes place up at the high school and involves some of boys’ favorite things in life, food and sports. This year was so different yet so similar to every other year. We were there as a family…a complete and healing family. And darn it all if the piece of trash mistress wouldn’t leave my husband alone. She basically wanted her “boyfriend” at her time of need. Well, guess what? I’m a nice person, I promise you, but enough is enough. It’s not my husband’s place to be with her right now or to get her through her grief. That fiance she cheated on would have come in handy right about then. Here we were at a nice family event, trying to be normal, and this one wouldn’t stop.

L was visibly shaken as he received text after text. And I was angry. He felt like he had to fly to Texas to be with her. “Are you kidding me?” I asked him, incredulous. Just for starters, what money would he use? We’re not exactly high flyers (no pun intended). Not to mention the bothersome, little issue of a wife and three kids, who really just wanted to eat pancakes and watch some guy grind another guy’s head into a mat.

L moved home again that night.

January 16, 2011

L is home, but he’s pacing- feeling awful and confused and regretting his decision to come home. It’s an understatement to say he’s in pain. He’s moaning as he paces and it’s 1:20 PM and he’s on his third beer in 10 minutes. He’s basically freaking out. This is harder than I thought it would be. He’s so uncomfortable here.

OK, it’s 10PM, and I need to summarize this crazy, awful day. In my opinion, L is out of his mind. He went out for a soda, and I was afraid he wouldn’t come back. He did- that time.

This AM, the Teep was invited to a friend’s house to watch the Jets tonight. L said let him go, but I said no. I wanted to prioritize L and our family. L wanted to watch the game with us (or so I thought.) The Bear was asked to go swimming at Lifetime with his friend. Again I said “no thanks.” Weekend playdates take away from family time, and we happen to be a family in crisis.

Anyway, L, who had by then paced for hours wearing his jacket, mind you, said he was going for a drive at 3:40PM. He said he’d be back for the game at 4:30. Kind of small townish but minutes after L left, a friend called to say another friend had just spotted L driving East on 78. Of course there was speculation about him returning to the Sauce. Long story short, he wasn’t back for kickoff (shocker).

January 18, 2011

L was in his hotel last night. Today, he returned to work. We exchanged a couple of texts about the roads, the boys delayed opening, “hang in there”, etc.

Liesel drove me to Lou today. Lou was good. We were both awake which helped. He said L’s poor mental state doesn’t give him a pass for his actions. L is upset because he’s in the process of making brutal decisions that will have life changing consequences, both good and bad. In fact, he might not be equipped to make such decisions. Lou doesn’t think I should be so compassionate about his mental state. He doesn’t need more time to work things out in his mind. He wants more time. When we speak, I should gently work in that he probably thinks the ball is in his court right now. It might not always be. I’m going through my own “process” of figuring out how I feel and figuring out my options. No matter what I decide, I want Homewrecker gone.

7:01AM Wednesday

I spoke with Kat early. She says that no other man that has cheated has received the care, patience, and access to everything that I’ve given L. She thinks he should be falling all over himself trying to win me back. She says talk to the Homewrecker and say-Let’s talk like two adults. What do you see in my husband, father of three that makes you want to be with him over any other single man you could meet?

If the Sauce says- he keeps coming back to me…then I say… well he really doesn’t because he’s home, now. From the beginning, he’s spoken about reconciliation and keeps coming back to me. What would make you put up with that? You think you have problems and grief due to your brother’s death. What about the problem of my family being blown apart? The Fat Angel, at age 6, could lose his normal life. My young kids are suffering because of their dad’s actions and yours. You’ve turned their lives upside down.

Kat said to be very calm and determined when I have this conversation. Ahhh, if only…gotta love the effectiveness of imaginary conversations.

January 20, 2011

Would like to leave this voicemail: Hi Homewrecker, this is JC. Your affair with my husband is over in case you haven’t figured that out. It was appalling that you were asking him to fly to Texas to be with you as he was spending time with his wife and our three kids. Please do yourself a favor. Go find yourself a nice single guy, patch things up with Jorge, get a life. And leave my husband alone.

Now it’s 6:30 PM and L should be here. Fact is, I’m a wreck. The thought of him coming makes me nervous. The house isn’t clean enough. I might be burning the meatloaf. Do I look OK? I want to cry and took a pill to relax for the first time in days.

January 21, 2011

The kids had a delayed opening since we got maybe four inches of snow last night. I slept until 9am and woke up slowly, feeling sick and sinusy. The Teep and the Bear had made and eaten waffles and were playing Wii even though their backpacks were unpacked, Teep hadn’t showered yet, etc. The gentleman from across the street was snowblowing basically my entire driveway- good guy!

As the Fat Angel was eating, I did some mental calculations. If his school starts at 10:15, the bus comes 45 minutes before that- yikes! I ended up dragging him, wearing sneakers, through ankle deep snow to his bus. He was wearing nothing but a white T-shirt and his khakis. I handed him his fleece pullover (which he ended up not putting on or bringing home) and his jacket and backpack. The driver, told me she would have waited for me to put his jacket on. But I felt the pressure of cars behind the bus , and Stacey’s husband , doing us a favor by picking the Teep up, was trapped in our driveway. The bus driver reminded me to take my vitamins before driving away.

L came home after 6. We had pizza, talked, and watched most of the A-team with the boys. He’s ambivalent about his apartment tomorrow. The $1700/month will be borrowed from his, make that our, 401K.

Here’s the thing; I don’t trust him. I caught him sneaking into the bathroom with his blackberry. When he came out, he showed me his inbox which contained nothing from the Homewrecker. Yet during the movie, he got up and left at least three times.

So, how can we rebuild trust if he’s in an apartment the next town over? And how can I give up my kids three times a week and overnight? And how are we working on our marriage while this weird two household thing is going on? He needs time away from me? What was the last two months?

I think if he was really over the Sauce, he’d want to commit to me. He has said this affair was his choice. True, he also pursued me at the beginning of our relationship- over the top, letter in the mailbox from him every day of the week before he actually followed me to school, pursuit. So maybe it’s him texting her. I don’t know if I’ll believe it’s over until I hear it from her.

Pippa told me, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

January 22, 2011

L moved out of the hotel and came home (again) today but (again) went out of his mind. Vivi came and got the Teep, so then I could go with L to pick up his work car at the hotel. For hours, L just laid in bed. At least I got him to take his jacket off. At one point, I lay down next to him.

He said, “Let’s give this a try,” and put his arms out for me. I moved against him into his embrace. We stayed like that for many minutes. It was so nice. I only moved away when I thought the chicken parm sandwich I was reheating in the oven might really be burning. I got up. His eyes were shut.

I finally asked, “How was that?.

He said, “I don’t know.”

I left the room feeling lousy. At least he’s honest- finally, right?

Again, he wanted to hang out with friends tonight. At least he gave me a little more notice this weekend. Everyone is so busy. I finally got the Liesel and Ric, bless them, even though they spent all day at an Irish dance competition followed by 5:30 mass. Maggie and Oswald missed mass but came straight from Magiquest, with Oswald’s brother, too. We met at 6:45PM at a nearby restaurant. Even though it was his idea, L was groaning audibly in the van on the drive there. At the restaurant, I sat next to him at the table since we were the first to arrive. Next to him was where I belonged, anyway, to get him through that dinner.

Throughout the night, he moaned and whispered, “I can’t do this” loud enough for only me to hear. I kept my leg pressed against his. He drank which enabled him to keep up his end of the conversation with Ric, Oswald, and his brother. I will need a professional to someday explain to me why he needs to be surrounded by people. I suspect it’s to avoid being alone with me. Tonight was hard. Every night is hard.

January 23, 2011 9:10AM

I’m up. Boys are playing Wii. I think L has relocated to a twin in the Teep and Bear’s room. I’d like to make church at least by the 11:30 service. Jets vs. Steelers playoff game to look forward to at 6:30PM.

It’s 11:19 and we’re on our way to church for the first time as a family in months. I pulled this journal out only because L sits silently next to me. Unbelievably and unbeknownst to us, the new series, “Modern Family” started today with the message, “How to Affair Proof Your Marriage.” I got out a pen and took notes on a program while L slumped down further in his chair.

January 26, 2011 9:07PM

Thunder and lightening in the middle of a snowstorm was awe-inspiring.

January 28, 2011 Friday

I was so tired this morning- dragged myself out of bed.

At some point, I opened the Fat Angel’s backpack to put in his snack- 4 saltines, and that’s when I found Flippy. Flippy is a disgusting, rubber sea lion that the teacher sends home. The kids are supposed to do stuff with Flippy and then illustrate and/or write about the good times in a notebook that returns to the school with the germy mammal. I nearly died when I saw Flippy. I had no time to give him his usual, soapy sink bath. I rushed him over to the Angel, and begged him to write that he had breakfast with Flippy. The Angel refused, as he’d be copying the last boy. I explained to the Angel that had we discovered Flippy earlier (instead of not opening his backpack for a full two days due to the family crisis that currently defined our lives), he would have played in the snow with Flippy.

With all boys at school, I cleaned and sorted through stuff. I tackled a job I considered very important…shoveling over a foot of snow off the trampoline.

After 12, I headed to Stage House for Jennie’s birthday lunch. Ten of us moms sang over a single molten lava cake.

After school, the Teep came home with friends, the Bear went to a friend, friends returned home, and so did my boys. Two gerbils escaped the cage, Jennie stopped over, and the Teep finished shoveling the trampoline under duress.

Oh, and L is home. Only he’s not. It feels off. He’s pleasant to me when he bothers to interact at all.

He’s treating me just like he treated me during the first two months of the affair. Meanwhile his stuff is still in bins in his car. I’m terrified that he’ll decide any day that we can’t work, and he’s moving out. He really isn’t giving us a chance right now. I’m scared the house is too messy. I’m afraid I’m not dressed nicely enough. I hate everything that comes out of my mouth. I can’t stop thinking about his affair, and his aloofness makes me guess that he can’t either.

We sat watching The Office together like we used to. It was too stupid an episode. When Dwight said, “Have you ever been with a blonde? It’s the big league”, I fled upstairs. Nobody followed. Eventually, I gathered myself and came back down, suspicious he was texting in the kitchen. He might have been. I wondered aloud that why, if he came home for me, he wasn’t showing it. He said something about how it’ll take time and ran off to bed without another look my way. I don’t know how to act or what to say. I feel awful. My nightmare continues.

My college friend, Michelle, sent me red flannel pajamas with cats on them today. After a long day, I experienced the small pleasure of putting them on and also the red fleece socks that came with them. L didn’t notice them. I’m invisible.

January 29, 2011

He’s been living a separate life for four months. Physically, since mid-September. Emotionally maybe longer. So, I’ve been deprived of a husband for that same amount of time. What will help me shake the images of him with her? His presence, reassurances, and assurances of love would help me, but he can’t provide any of that. So I guess I’m stuck in limbo while he fixes himself.

Back to the separate life. Why doesn’t he want Asian food anymore? Does it remind him of her? Why doesn’t he want to go to the movies with me? Did they go a lot? He said he wanted to sleep in this morning. That’s the strangest thing of all. We know how he used to begin weekdays…with a 4AM departure. Even on weekends, though, he’s always been an early riser, going for a bagel, reading the paper, going for a run. My imagination is running wild. I’m guessing the my husband and the Sauce enjoyed lazy weekend mornings together for months, with no crazy, wild boy children in the picture.

At 7, L and I headed over to the church auditorium for a pool fundraiser party. We went because he wanted to. I didn’t need it, but I do like this type of event.

The auditorium looked awesome- dim lights, paper lanterns, candles, and lamps. There were beach towels on the walls and pool bags (including ours) along the windows. There was a DJ, karaoke, a keg, and nice food. It seemed like a school dance, but classier. Lots of fun because we knew everyone. L and I stuck pretty close to each other.

Sunday 10:45PM

To L- This is what’s so awful. You expect certain things when you’re married. That it’s a done deal. You don’t constantly have to dress to impress and look beautiful every moment. You expect companionship and love. You might even consciously think that it’s great that dating is in the past. You settle in and relax. My mistake.

How could you have done this to me? Every morning for two months. And then moving in with her for two months. It’s surreal to me. Did it happen? What did this desperate creature see in you- a married father of three boys, not to mention her boss? What did you see in her? She’s so unattractive, but every book I’ve read on the topic says people “cheat down”.

I’m so mad. Can I ever get over what you’ve done? And tonight I realized you’ve never said you are sorry for what you did. You’ve only apologized for how much you upset me.

(Note about the above: I need to add that I am taking a class with the town rec right now, aptly called Butts and Guts. It’s not like I’m not always trying.)

And now he has this counselor in NYC. Great. Why couldn’t he have seen the counselor before planning the affair? He’s doing absolutely everything I suggested he do when he was feeling miserable in August. Only then, he wouldn’t consider any of it. Guess he was dead set on the peace and mental tranquility that an affair provides..not. I hate him, and I love him…in that order.

January 31, 2011

The Fat Angel was home today with a fever and slight sore throat. I was freaking out all day and sent L texts that asked him impossible questions such as:

How could he bring this shame on our family?

How could he “bed hop” every morning for over two months?

Does he not see or care that he ruined Thanksgiving, Christmas, and two friends’ birthdays?

Who, exactly, is happy with this situation? (his mistress)

When he came home late from his 5:45 therapist, I was a wreck. It was almost 8. I was still making a chicken pot pie as the Teep fried up some Trader Joe’s wontons. The kids hadn’t finished homework, the house was a mess, and the Teep was wearing a Phillies T-shirt that L hated. I texted L not to come home. I knew he’d be so unhappy with me. He came home even faster, ironically, because he was worried. He was nice to me, reassuring that he wasn’t mad. He took care of me and the kids, and kissed me goodnight. I was so upset.