After an hour on the phone with L, I think I see that it’s over.  He has a lot of anger towards me.  Now, you would think I spent the rest of the day freaking out.  I didn’t.  No sobs or screams.  The call did make me miss breakfast at Panera for Margaret’s birthday with Tina, too, but I ran straight to Angel Tips at 10:30 to catch up with them.  Tina handed me a mocha latte which became my breakfast and lunch.  The pedicure was soothing.  I tried to enjoy each little touch from it.  I couldn’t get a manicure because my fingers were so torn up, a nervous habit.  The birthday girl treated because she had so many gift certificates.

I left before the girls to catch the kindergarten bus.  My boy got off and I fed him and played Constructables with him and focused on him like maybe I usually don’t because the house was clean around us, and his dad wasn’t texting or calling like usual.  My Fat Angel was so cute and full of kindergarten stories.

At 2, I drove the little man to Tina’s and got to Westfield early to park for therapy.  As I sat in the hallway of the office, I texted Steve, my guy, that I was outside his locked office.  He texted back that he’d be there in a few.  He was late, but I didn’t care.  I was sitting reading Family Magazine, chilling, texting, when he opened the door to the building and called up, ” JC, do you want something to drink?  Come with me.”  Clutching my Snapple, I followed him across the street to a chocolate shop where I ordered the one bready thing I saw on the menu, a chocolate covered pretzel.  Tina later joked that it was my first date.  Well, he did pay, and it was nice to do that little, normal thing with him.  And the carb saved my stomach  since I don’t eat these days.

I saw kids’ drawings on the wall, and asked how many kids he has.  He said 4, 3 girls and a boy between 5 and 11 years.  I asked about his marriage ONLY because my infidelity book said it was a fair question.  He answered a little sheepishly that he wouldn’t bullshit me.  He’s separated BUT so weird because he knows he’s a good couples therapist.  He was married 14 years, too, before separation.  I just couldn’t believe how similar our situations are.

Tonight I skipped a fun holiday party at the Lang’s.  L and I would have been there for sure.  Instead, the Teep, age 11, was out from 7-10PM at Jack’s watching football.  I was up at 3AM today when Ambien abruptly stopped working, so I was quite tired.  I lay in bed tonight under the heating pad (can’t get rid of this chill) with Bear pressed up against my left side, the Fat Angel, my right.  I drifted in and out while they watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…awful movie.  I couldn’t do the dishes or even email.  I just barely managed to shoot off a few ” L sucks” texts- because I had to get up and get the Teep in the freezing cold and darkness with the brothers at 10PM.  The other kids’ dads were in line because this was a “Dad Job.”

At home, I tried to push three boys quickly toward bed.  I needed to watch TV long enough to turn out their lights and move those elves, which the Bear counts on.

My tortured though of the night was did that fucker have sex with me even once after he had sex with his mistress?  Why didn’t I think to ask that yet?