November 13, 2010

Tomorrow, we’re going to see the Christmas Show at Radio City Music Hall. I’ll do everything I can to make sure the boys have a fun time and make great memories. As for me, I have no expectations. When I looked up some Christian guy’s marriage advice on the internet last night, he said- have no expectations. So I won’t expect to have fun even. I did expect a nice family road trip to NC recently and ended up feeling punched in the gut when I realized L didn’t even want to go visit my family, and, in fact, considered it a burden. So there we were in Hagerstown, MD at one of our old favorite places, Hard Times, and instead of feeling nostalgic, I felt like something was desperately amiss.  I hate myself for crying so easily, especially in front of the boys; it’s unforgivable. They must think I’m nuts. The Teep looked so worried as I tried to smile through my stupid tears- laugh even- haha- your dad is an- ah, no names.

OK, I thought this might be a letter to L. Now I know it won’t be. I am upset. What do I do? Who can help me? Really, who can help L? Because if he would go back to normal, I’d be OK. This is what I think I know. Things started going downhill in August. Moojie and Poojie were here. I think L finds it difficult to talk to me when anyone else is around. He started to lose what would ultimately turn out to be a lot of weight- maybe over 30 lbs. He did it mostly by running  strangely long distances, like 7-10 miles easily. He started an undercover assignment. Just looked in calendar- he’s been away once a week since September 13th. He’s been waking earlier and earlier, so now it’s normal for him to get up at 3:30 or 4AM to get into work early, exercise, grab a bagel for breakfast, etc. Give me a break, 3:30? Just thinking about what I’ve written, I see that he’s turned himself into a new guy with a new way of life. Maybe it’s as simple as out with the old (me) and in with the new.

I’m convinced he went through a period of depression during August, too. Plus, I think he drinks too much, but he doesn’t ever like to hear that. How much is too much? Five beers last night sounds like a lot to me.

I could deal with anything, ANYTHING I just wrote  except for the change in how he treats me. L never smiles at me, jokes with me anymore, touches me. Now I might cry again. How long do we have on this earth together? I promise he is wasting our time together day after day. He is so cold to me. What do I do? Threaten to leave? Or wait out this “down” in our marriage. If marriage isn’t easy and is something you have to work on, then why am I the only one who cares? The one word that sums up L is indifferent.

Maybe he’s crazy at work. Maybe this special assignment is so much more important and pressure filled than I can even imagine. But, don’t other guys have hard jobs, too? Does every guy in this profession stop loving his wife? I know the answer to that, and it makes me feel even worse. I am not imagining what I’m going through. I need to be really strong now, so I don’t do something stupid. If only I knew how or when things will get back to normal. It’s just such a shame. We could be loving each other a lot every day. I feel totally helpless and hopeless now. I pray every day for things to get better. Tonight I just pray for a fun, safe morning in NYC for the boys.

I’m really being too nice. There’s a part of me that’s furious. I should demand more for myself.  I must be worth some effort, but he shows me day after day that I’m not. I see that it’s up to me to teach these boys how to treat a wife. They are all very loving and good to me. I’ll do three women a favor and turn them into loving husbands. Who knows, I’m probably a horrible, stupid, ugly wife. But I really feel like something is going on with L that’s beyond me, and I’m just a casualty. So for now I’ll hang in there and try not to be demanding of anything…or have any expectations.

November (?), 2010

Advice from Teresa, Tina’s sister- He walked out on us.  I get to set the rules.  He’s mad?  He created this…I’m mad.  He needs to know I’m not gonna roll over.  This is going to be a horrific holiday, but I need to make it good for the kids.  No matter what I did, he did something so much worse.

November (It’s all a blur), 2010
To L- No matter what I did…and I know I’m so at fault here, I don’t believe I deserve what you did. The pain I’m feeling is so real I can almost touch it. If I don’t write this here, I’ll text it to you, and someone told me to get control of my emotions a bit and resist the impulse to lash out, which is not unlike the impulse to smoke when someone is trying to quit.
Right now, this evening, we should be sharing our days with each other. You’re doing that- with someone else, which is both devastating and unspeakable to me.
Meanwhile, I’m shoveling shit. I have so much to do that I don’t know where to start. Reality is in my face every moment, which is both good and bad.


November (still a blur), 2010

I guess I’m going to have a break down every day.  My worst part of the day is the afternoon.  Today, I got up from a table of 8 friends at Panera (only Tina and Margaret know everything) and bolted.  I couldn’t get to the car fast enough,  I heard little voices calling, “Bye, JC,” as I flew.  In the car, I did my new favorite thing.  I blasted the radio so loud I couldn’t hear myself think.  It didn’t stop the tears, just the thoughts, which was some relief.  Then I got home and noticed a text from L.  Hope and relief surged through me, to my dismay.  L was unhappy that I went to Pastor R, who then contacted L “out of the blue.” L also wanted to confirm his 6:45 dinner with the boys.

me: Wish you would have have told me before you ruined my life from out of the blue..yes we’re still on, but the Teep has a lot of work to do.  Can’t spend all night at dinner, but if you want, come help him with his notebook.

No, L had no interest in helping with homework, but he would like to see them this weekend.  Of course, just the fun.

December 2, 2010

I’m so worried about myself.  Here I am bawling at 8:30AM.  I can usually make it to the afternoon.  Last night was a horror for me.

December 3, 2010

After an hour on the phone with L, I think I see that it’s over.  He has a lot of anger towards me.  Now, you would think I spent the rest of the day freaking out.  I didn’t.  No sobs or screams.  The call did make me miss breakfast at Panera for Margaret’s birthday with Tina, too, but I ran straight to Angel Tips at 10:30 to catch up with them.  Tina handed me a mocha latte which became my breakfast and lunch.  The pedicure was soothing.  I tried to enjoy each little touch from it.  I couldn’t get a manicure because my fingers were so torn up, a nervous habit.  The birthday girl treated because she had so many gift certificates.

I left before the girls to catch the kindergarten bus.  My boy got off and I fed him and played Constructables with him and focused on him like maybe I usually don’t because the house was clean around us, and his dad wasn’t texting or calling like usual.  My Fat Angel was so cute and full of kindergarten stories.

At 2, I drove the little man to Tina’s and got to Westfield early to park for therapy.  As I sat in the hallway of the office, I texted Steve, my guy, that I was outside his locked office.  He texted back that he’d be there in a few.  He was late, but I didn’t care.  I was sitting reading Family Magazine, chilling, texting, when he opened the door to the building and called up, ” JC, do you want something to drink?  Come with me.”  Clutching my Snapple, I followed him across the street to a chocolate shop where I ordered the one bready thing I saw on the menu, a chocolate covered pretzel.  Tina later joked that it was my first date.  Well, he did pay, and it was nice to do that little, normal thing with him.  And the carb saved my stomach  since I don’t eat these days.

I saw kids’ drawings on the wall, and asked how many kids he has.  He said 4, 3 girls and a boy between 5 and 11 years.  I asked about his marriage ONLY because my infidelity book said it was a fair question.  He answered a little sheepishly that he wouldn’t bullshit me.  He’s separated BUT so weird because he knows he’s a good couples therapist.  He was married 14 years, too, before separation.  I just couldn’t believe how similar our situations are.

Tonight I skipped a fun holiday party at the Lang’s.  L and I would have been there for sure.  Instead, the Teep, age 11, was out from 7-10PM at Jack’s watching football.  I was up at 3AM today when Ambien abruptly stopped working, so I was quite tired.  I lay in bed tonight under the heating pad (can’t get rid of this chill) with Bear pressed up against my left side, the Fat Angel, my right.  I drifted in and out while they watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…awful movie.  I couldn’t do the dishes or even email.  I just barely managed to shoot off a few ” L sucks” texts- because I had to get up and get the Teep in the freezing cold and darkness with the brothers in the backseat at 10PM.  The other kids’ dads were in line because this was a “Dad Job.”

At home, I tried to push three boys quickly toward bed.  I needed to watch TV long enough to turn out their lights and move those elves, which the Bear counts on.

My tortured though of the night was did that fucker have sex with me even once after he had sex with his mistress?  Why didn’t I think to ask that yet?

December 4, 2010

This morning, I woke at 7AM- later and better than usual, thanks to a 10mg of Ambien at 11PM.  As usual, my situation came crashing down on me but not quite as strongly today.  I’m glad he was blunt with me yesterday and angry and a little mean.  I needed to let go of hope.  It made me feel better.  My new goal is to heal and learn about how to make a marriage successful.  At that point, L might come home, though probably not, and I admit I might not want him by then.  I might have to find someone else to have an amazing marriage with.

Now, I have somewhat of a full day planned.  Cleaning lady coming at 9.  Santa coming into town at 10. Always praying for clarity and strength.

Shelia came with her 9 year old daughter.  Santa was fun, though, the Teep, at 11, wasn’t into him.  He wouldn’t even stand next to Santa for a pic.  I didn’t fight it- just took the other two.  The Fat Angel asked for a short-haired, black guinea pig…great.

Then, we went on the horse-drawn ride through the neighborhoods.  It was open this year, so my allergies could stand it.  In years past, I either had a full blown allergy attack, or L took the boys while I waited.  Sadly, it’s all me now.  I sat across from a girl from town who lost her husband after, but as a result of, 911.  We’re both on our own for different reasons.